Did you ever feel like you were walking on eggshells as a child and never really knew what mood your parents were in? There is a name for this phenomenon: eggshell parenting. This parenting style, which is characterized by pronounced emotional instability, leaves deep scars on children. We find out more about this recently popular concept and what it really means for children’s development.
Eggshell parenting: a concept with resonance
Parenting is not an exact science and there is no manual on how to become the perfect parent overnight. It’s something you learn over time as you face new situations and the challenges of raising children.
Eggshell parenting” is a particularly problematic dynamic among the various parenting styles that can be employed. This term, which could be translated as ‘eggshell parenting’, describes a parent whose moods and reactions are completely unpredictable for the child.
This concept has gained more attention thanks to Kim Sage, an American psychologist and psychotherapist who has specialized in researching this type of parenting behavior since 2023. Her work has shed light on a reality that many children experience, sometimes covertly and silently.
The “eggshell” parent can switch from one emotional state to another in a matter of seconds: happy and loving one moment, explosive and angry the next, with no transition or obvious explanation. This emotional volatility leaves the child in a constant state of uncertainty, not knowing what to expect.
Eggshell parent profile
To better understand this concept, we can draw a portrait of this emotionally volatile parent:
- Pronounced emotional immaturity, with difficulty controlling their emotions
- Mood swings with no clearly identifiable trigger
- Inability to set consistent and stable boundaries
- Tendency to be verbally impulsive and say things they later regret
- Tendency to reverse roles and put the child in charge of their emotional well-being
Natalie Moore, marriage and family therapist, explains that these behaviors are not necessarily related to diagnosed mental disorders: These problematic behaviors may simply stem from untreated wounds or, in some cases, be part of more specific disorders such as narcissistic or borderline personality disorder.
The image of the eggshell is particularly powerful. On the one hand, it illustrates the inner fragility of these parents, who are extremely emotionally vulnerable despite their solid exterior. On the other hand, it perfectly illustrates the situation of children who are forced to constantly “walk on eggshells” to avoid triggering a parental crisis.
I remember a friend who described her childhood as a “balancing act”: she was never sure whether her mother would be her best ally or her worst enemy from one day to the next. This metaphor captures the climate of uncertainty created by this style of parenting.
The lasting effects on child development
Growing up with an “eggshell” parent leaves deep scars that can last a lifetime. These consequences affect various areas of development and can significantly change the way children develop and relate to others.
Hypervigilance as a survival mode
Imagine for a moment that you live in an environment where a storm can break out at any time and without warning. Faced with this constant uncertainty, children develop hypervigilance, which becomes their main defense mechanism.
As psychologist Noelle Santorelli explains, this hypervigilance manifests itself in the tendency to “constantly scan the room for signs of conflict, tension or emotional outbursts”. The child becomes adept at reading micro-expressions, changes in tone of voice and the subtle signals that herald a potential emotional storm.
This heightened alertness, which in childhood enables survival in an unpredictable environment, becomes a real handicap in adulthood. It is mentally exhausting and prevents us from living fully in the present moment, as our attention is constantly focused on anticipating hypothetical dangers.
The constant search for recognition
Another important effect concerns our relationship with others and with ourselves. The child of an “eggshell” parent learns very early on to put the needs and desires of others above their own. They become adept at the art of pleasing others, even if it means taking a back seat.
This dynamic produces adults who :
- have difficulty recognizing and expressing their own needs
- feel responsible for the emotional well-being of others
- develop low self-esteem
- tend to enter into unbalanced relationships
Have you ever had the feeling of never doing enough, the constant need for external validation? These feelings may be the distant echo of a childhood spent trying to stabilize your instability.
Reproducing patterns
If you don’t do your own work, you run the risk of reproducing these patterns in your children. Isabelle Filliozat, a renowned psychotherapist, emphasizes the importance of emotion regulation in parenting: “The ability to remain moderate in all circumstances, rather than yelling and snapping, is an essential skill that really makes a difference”.
Without this skill, the cycle can continue and today’s adults pass on their emotional instability to their children. Often these parents unconsciously reproduce the patterns they themselves have suffered because they have failed to recognize and process their own wounds.
Breaking the cycle: for more stable parenting
The good news is that it is possible to break out of this toxic pattern, both for adults who have experienced it and for parents who recognize these tendencies in themselves.
The first step is awareness. Putting this experience into words and understanding that this instability was neither normal nor deserved is already a big step towards healing.
For parents who recognize themselves in this picture, it is never too late to change. The support of a professional can help develop the famous emotion regulation that Isabelle Filliozat talks about: the ability to remain stable even in times of great stress.
Learn to identify your triggers, recognize the warning signs of an angry outburst, give yourself the right to pause before reacting… All of these strategies can turn chaotic parenting into a calming environment.
Signs of balanced parenting
In contrast to eggshell parenting, balanced parenting is characterized by the following:
Consistency – rules and boundaries are clear, stable and adapted to the child’s age.
Predictability – Without being rigid, the parents provide a structure in which the child can orient themselves and feel safe.
Self-regulation – Parents are able to manage their difficult emotions without dumping them on the child.
Communication – Emotions are expressed appropriately and mistakes are acknowledged and discussed.
Isn’t that what we all want for our children? A space where they can grow up without having to carry the burden of our emotional imbalance?
How to heal the wounds of an unstable childhood
If you recognize that you grew up with an “eggshell” parent, know that healing is possible. The road may be long, but every step is important.
Therapy is often invaluable when it comes to resolving these old patterns and regaining a healthier relationship with yourself and others. Approaches such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or cognitive behavioural therapy have proven effective in treating childhood trauma.
Working on personal boundaries is also an important area of healing. Learning to say no, to express your needs, to no longer feel responsible for the feelings of others… These skills, which did not develop naturally in childhood, can be acquired in adulthood.
Discussion and support groups can also provide a safe space to share your experiences and feel less alone. Learning that others have been in similar situations and have overcome them can be very restorative.
Parenting is a journey, not a destination. Even the most aware and attentive parents make mistakes. The most important thing is not perfection, but the ability to recognize the moments when we make mistakes and correct them so that we can provide our children with a model of imperfect but ever-evolving humanity.
Have you ever observed these tendencies in your childhood or in your upbringing? Becoming aware of this is already a step towards change.